


Lonely

by yaekkunsenpai



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Arguing, Bad Parenting, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Mentioned Ohira Reon, Mentioned Tendou Satori, Out of Character, POV Ushijima Wakatoshi, Sad Ushijima Wakatoshi, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Ushijima Wakatoshi-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:01:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28212057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yaekkunsenpai/pseuds/yaekkunsenpai
Summary: Wakatoshi's opinion on his parent's relationship as he grows older, and understands a little more year by year.And what happens in between.
Relationships: Tendou Satori & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 28





	Lonely

**Author's Note:**

> tw// this story contains emotional manipulation, sexual assault, arguing, self-harm, homophobia, referenced bullying/isolation, depression, mentions of drugs, suicidal thoughts, impulsive thoughts and breakdowns.  
> Please be cautious when reading.  
> (Do you think I should list what is going to happen in the story or just put a trigger warning?) Just an update, I put a tag for implied sexual harassment instead of a warning because it’s only for a small, small section and isn’t too graphic but if anyone wants me to change it back, I will.

Wakatoshi sat on his couch. The front door wide open. His mother packing her stuff and throwing them into the trunk of her car. His father in their room, the light was on. The boy was only six years old. 

His father walking out of the room, asking him if he wanted to go with his mother. Wakatoshi didn't say anything, trying to hold in his tears. His mother came back into the house, his father trailing behind her as she walked into their room. 

All that Wakatoshi heard was inaudible yelling. His brain tuning out the sound. Warm, salty tears trailed down his face.

Suddenly there was a yell of his name. He got up, walking to the room. Stopping at the door frame, keeping his head down, he tried to stay quite.

"Do you want us to stay together?" Wakatoshi's father asked. More tears rolled down his face, Wakatoshi hiccuped. He tried mustering up words as his parents stared down at him. "Y-yes." He sobbed. His parents looked at each other. He really didn't want them to break up, ever.

His mother leaned down and asked if he was okay. He nodded.

To think it all started because his father barely bumped him in the face, with his hand. His mother thinking he hit him.

Later, they went to an older cousin's birthday party. The packed clothes still in the trunk, pretending as if nothing had happened.

-

His mother was never home. She always worked, Wakatoshi never blamed her for not being there. But...that meant he spent more time with his father. 

One afternoon, his father took him with him to his uncle's house. Wakatoshi walked into the house, beside his father. He sat down on the floor in a dimly lit trailer home. His father, his father's friends and his uncles sat on folding chairs in a circle. Passing around something that smoked, and drinking beers, Wakatoshi understood that much.

Wakatoshi sat there obediently, beside his father, and didn't say a word, feeling awkward. 

The man to his right offered it to him, gesturing to him to take it. Wakatoshi lifted his hand to take it, before his father snatched it, getting mad at the man.

A little later, a swarm of cops came. He couldn't remember much after that, except for on the way home, he got to ride with a pretty lady in a cop car. When they pulled into the driveway, his mother came out, pulling him out of the police car. 

"Thanks, I was worried when they weren't here when I got back." His mother stated, holding him in her arms. "No problem, I'm just glad he's okay. See you tomorrow?" The woman asked. His mother nodded. 

Bringing him inside, Wakatoshi waited for hours for his father to come home. His mother asked what he was doing. "I'm waiting for Dad." He spoke, not looking away from the window. His mother laughed softly. "Well, he won't be home until tomorrow." "Why's that?" "Let's say, he got in trouble." "Ohhh. Okay, so he'll be back in the morning?" "Yep."

Wakatoshi laid in his parent's room that night.

The next morning, after his father came back and his mother left for work, his father complained to him.

"Your Mom always has to be over-dramatic. She always makes a big deal out of everything, I mean, you were okay. Right?" His father spoke to him, cooking breakfast as Wakatoshi colored at the table. "Yes, I was fine."

Wakatoshi had thought of his mother as over-dramatic.

-

At school the following week, his classmates asked him about his parent's relationship. Since most of the other kids had divorced or single parents.

He was tempted to tell them everything, but instead told them they were still together. His classmates congratulated him. He tried to smile.

-

About half a year later, he was in the living room, again. As his parents argued over his mother's family.

A couple days before he had run into the bathroom of his maternal grandma's place, where his mother was located. He hiccuped as he told his mother that his cousin had touched him. Both of his parents were angry.

But, nothing was done.

Wakatoshi had stayed quite for months, afraid of what they might say. His cousin, the same age as him, was a little slow. His cousin would led him into the basement, alone. Wakatoshi thought that he didn't know what he was doing, thought that he didn't get why the other was so uncomfortable when he touched him.

Until he saw him smile after he touched him, knowing damn well what he did.

...His father told his mother that if he could, he'd beat the boy up. His mother wanted to talk it out with his uncle, tell him that his cousin should apologize. He didn't. 

That night, his father told him that his mother treasured her family over them.

Wakatoshi felt a flare of hate dwell deep in him.

-

Everyday when his mother got home, it was like a ticking time bomb of who would ruin the 'happy' atmosphere first. Wakatoshi always knew when the room was thick with tension, when his father was about to blow up. 

Today, his mother told his father that he gave her too much food. Wakatoshi glared at her with his head down, clenching his toes. ' _Why can't you just eat the food?'_ Wakatoshi thought.

As expected, his father started yelling at her. As expected, again, his mother stayed quiet the whole time. His father kept asking her questions, menacingly. His mother, wouldn't answer. Once again, Wakatoshi got mad at his mother in his head.

' _Just answer the questions.'_

Wakatoshi thought of his mother as selfish, why she couldn't just answer his questions. Especially since she wasn't the only one being affected by his father.

-

For the first time, Wakatoshi defied his father. Talking back, Wakatoshi told his father he didn't want to clean. His father hit him with a flyswatter. Wakatoshi tried not to cry.

-

Since then, Wakatoshi started becoming defiant.

He thought of his father as mean, loud, and scary. He thought of his mother as over-dramatic, selfish, and that she didn't really love them.

He blamed them for arguing all the time.

Yet, he didn't want them to separate. They were all he really had.

( _Who's being the selfish one?)_

_-_

When Wakatoshi turned seven, he had gotten his first electronic device, a tablet. He discovered there was a way to escape. 

Escape from the arguing, the loneliness, and the late-night thoughts.

Even for just a minute, he escaped into his own world.

-

As Wakatoshi got older and entered fourth grade, he became more isolated and an outcast.

On the first day, he was told by a classmate not to laugh.

Ironically, later the person had befriended him.

Wakatoshi and the other boy, hung out everywhere. 

One day, on the way to lunch, the boy got close to him and pulled up his sleeve. Showing off a single, faded mark.

"I cut myself with a razor, my mom almost saw. But she wasn't wearing her glasses. I got away with it." He stated. Wakatoshi only looked and listened intensely. He didn't question why.

That same year, his friend had told him stuff about the lgbtq community, he had told him that he might be gay. Wakatoshi had an open mind, he had told him that he supported him.

Later, when he had to leave to move to a different prefecture, he felt sad. He would never see him again.

-

While they were moving, he was sent away to an aunt's place to stay while they packed.

He was watched when he ate. He was extremely uncomfortable.

-

His mother worked twelve hour days and only had six days off a month, on average. That year she started going on business trips. She was a correctional officer.

His parents, in that period of time, would often argue.

-

In fifth grade, he met a boy with vibrant red hair. The boy immediately befriended him. They soon became best friends. They were stuck together at the hip and did everything together. Wakatoshi had become friends with everyone through the boy. 

He soon, had started liking the boy.

-

After the realization of his crush, he saw a really heartwarming short animated film about two boys in love. He talked about wanting to see it, thinking it was a movie trailer. He misunderstood.

When he and his mom were watching Disney weddings, there was a same-sex couple. His father walked in and started calling them 'monsters' and that they didn't deserve to be alive. His mother, immediately changed the channel.

That night Wakatoshi had cried and wondered, ' _why me?'_. 

He thought back to his old friend, with the cut. He wondered, why did he do it? What made it all that?

So, he grabbed a pencil sharpener and unscrewed the razor. It was dark and he was unable to keep his hand still. He softly cut his wrist, no blood. He did it over and over, no blood. He got frustrated and screwed the razor back on.

He fell asleep shortly after.

The next morning he had woken up and got ready for school. He hadn't noticed, until he started brushing his teeth. The scabbed two lines on his left wrist were obvious on his skin.

He panicked and tried hiding it, pulling his hoodie down to his knuckles and holding them there. 

No one noticed.

He got home with no trouble, until his father asked him to take out the trash. He kept his hood on, saying he was cold.

He wanted to do it quickly, but his father came over to help.

On accident his sleeve rode up, showcasing his wrist to his father. "What's that?" He asked, grabbing his wrist. "Uh, when you were walking by my room, I was holding the cat and he scratched me. Remember, he's scared of you."

Surprisingly, he believed it. He told Wakatoshi to grab the cat and go to his mother, since it was her day off.

His father explained to her. She grabbed his wrist and inspected it. She hit the cat on top of his head, "No scratching." They then let it go.

She grabbed his wrist again, looking closer. Wakatoshi panicked, but knew he could just tell them why he did it.

But...what she said next broke his heart.

"You better not be cutting yourself, you have everything you could ever want. You better not be trying to be like your cousin too, she has a bunch of scars. I know you look up to her, but you don't need to copy everything she does." She stated, nonchalantly.

Wakatoshi felt anger and sadness flare up inside him. He clenched his teeth. "I'm not, I just got scratched by the cat."

Wakatoshi then walked away into his room, digging his nails into his palms. He apologized to the cat for blaming it on him, also thanking him for taking the blame.

-

It had become addicting. He had found another place on his body where no one would see.

He would look down at the faded marks on his wrist and think about how stupid he was to do it in such an obvious place.

His thighs would become marked up and littered with faded lines and scabbed ones.

The only downside was, the pain of walking, laying, and sitting down while they were new.

-

When he was in school, he would hint that he liked the other boy.

To his surprise, the boy openly admitted to him and only him that he was bisexual. The boy had also told him that he had came out to his family, and said that they told him they didn't care, as long as he was happy. 

Wakatoshi felt jealously and relief that Tendou's family accepted him.

-

There were times when he wished that his parents were dead.

Sometimes, he scared himself. His thoughts would turn dark and gruesome.

He sometimes would think of hitting them over the head with a broom or shovel, or stabbing them.

But, then, he would remember how sad he would be if they were dead.

He tried to silence them when they came, but they never truly went away.

He looked it up, learning it could be helped with therapy. He couldn't ask for therapy, because that would mean explaining why he needed it.

He didn't need his parents knowing that he had thoughts of killing them.

-

Whenever his parents fought, he would try to lighten the mood, he would smile and try to engage in a conversation.

After his father slammed his hands on the table and violently pushed off from his chair, Wakatoshi tried not to flinch. Goosebumps rose on his body. 

His mother came into the living room shortly after, since the kitchen and living room were connected, he tried to talk to her from the table.

"What are you watching?" He questioned, trying to lighten her mood.

She ignored him. They were only ten feet apart, so he knew she heard him.

His mood soured, he shoveled his food down. He walked quickly into his room, and wrung his hands together on his bed.

-

"We'll see each other again, right?" Tendou asked, grinning at Wakatoshi. The other smiled, nodding his head.

They both looked at each other for awhile.

Maybe, it was more than a crush.

-

That promise wasn't fulfilled, once again, Wakatoshi became an outcast.

He was always alone, even with the same classmates from last year. It seemed as though, they felt obligated to interact with him because he was friends with Tendou. Who had been in this school for years.

Wakatoshi became extremely sad, missing his best friend.

-

Wakatoshi and his parents were watching a movie, when his father suddenly had an outburst. All because Wakatoshi showed him a bit of an attitude. 

He ended up hitting him with a wooden spoon, yelling very loudly at him. His mother simply stared at the screen. Wakatoshi was afraid, he tried not to cry but it just slipped out. His father pretended not to see.

He shouted at the both of them. "You never do anything around here! Am I just your fucking slave?" He stomped outside, grabbing a cigarette.

Wakatoshi tried to enjoy the movie.

-

One night, Wakatoshi had started to think.

Think about his sad, pathetic life. How he repeated the same boring thing, every single day.

He started crying uncontrollably, he was silently hiccuping and trying to hold it in.

He fell asleep like that, hugging his bunny plush close to his face. He knew it was childish to be sleeping with stuffed animals, but they gave him comfort no one has.

The next morning, he awoke with dry, itchy eyes. 

-

He had a nightmare about his parents breaking up, and how he ran away because he didn't want to choose which one to stay with.  
  
Wakatoshi still had that childish wish, he still wanted his parents to stay together.

-

Wakatoshi had began to have thoughts of killing himself. He would think of how no one would care, he barely knew any of his relatives nor did he have any friends. He wasn't sure about his parents.

He thought about drinking bleach, or downing sleeping pills, or cutting his wrists open.

Wakatoshi also thought about wanting to blast music as he fell down the tallest building, or jumping off a cliff into the ocean as fish and other life surrounded him.

-

Before Wakatoshi moved back to his hometown with his family, his maternal grandmother had passed. He was extremely sad.

There was a whole week before her wake and funeral, that felt like an eternity. Wakatoshi spent it with his favorite cousin, enjoying the time. 

He had payed his respects during the burial.

-

Wakatoshi moved back to a different part, a little ways away from his hometown.

His family and him went to go visit his mother's family frequently after his grandma's death.

The one person he never wanted to see, _ever,_ had come to his auntie's house.

His cousin followed him as Wakatoshi tried to play nice and avoid him at the same time.

The next day, Wakatoshi and his parents were loading the trunk to go back home. 

Wakatoshi walked into the house, grabbing his phone charger and headphones. Only becoming distracted when he leaned against the couch to watch the movie playing on the TV.

He felt a weight against his back and a hand cup his chest. Wakatoshi immediately turned around, pushing his cousin off of him. He glared at him, but the other boy laughed. His other cousin, Reon, walked in. He pulled the other off of Wakatoshi.

The cousin immediately walked outside.

"That guy's a creep."

Wakatoshi nodded, frowning. Reon looked at him with empathy. 

"You wanna eat some noodles?" "Yeah."

-

As Wakatoshi aged and grew older, he begun to feel bad for how he acted when he was younger.

He wanted to apologize for how he acted but his parents would berate him and tease him, asking what he wanted them to buy. 

Even if he had felt bad and guilty for how he acted, his parents would never believe him.

-

Wakatoshi sat in a chair at the table, his father being quiet. It was scary since he could feel him about to explode.

His father, pushed his chair out, throwing his dishes in the sink and slamming the door on his way out.

His mother stayed quiet, unbothered, almost like it didn't happen right beside her.

Wakatoshi thought of his mother as tired and sad.

-

Wakatoshi walked by his parent's room, the door was closed and locked.

He walked into his room and sat on his bed. Leaning against the wall behind him, he heard everything his parents said to each other.

He appreciated the effort to not argue in front of him, but it was still futile. The walls were paper-thin and he could hear everything.

-

He still had impulsive thoughts.

He would stand outside and have a thought of running out into the streets and getting run over.

He would have thoughts of cutting his wrists with the knife he was washing.

He would have thoughts of suffocating himself with his pillow.

Sometimes, Wakatoshi would dream of downing a bottle of pills and go about his daily life while waiting for the overdose. He would dream of downing a bottle of bleach as it dripped down his chin and stained his clothes. The burn of the bleach going down his throat, chest and stomach.

Most of the time, Wakatoshi scared himself.

-

Wakatoshi thought about it one night, about how his father tried hard. How his father couldn't get a job because of his past and because of a previously broken back.

How he gave his father a hard time. He thought about how his father loved him and his mom but couldn't express it well, because of how he was raised.

Wakatoshi thought of his father as frustrated, tired and in pain.

-

As Wakatoshi would sit in silence late into the night, he thought about why his parents stayed together. He thought about how they show affection to each other but never say ' _I Love You'_ to each other, at least not in front of him.

He remembered that they told him they met in 1993, one year before he was born. Was he their obligation to stay together? What if he wasn't born, would they have not felt like they _had_ to stay together? 

Maybe he was looking into it too much.

-

Wakatoshi would sometimes sit on the floor of his bathroom and cry.

Cry into his towel, as he tried not to scream. Sometimes there were days that it was too hard to even try. He wanted to skip school and just stay home. 

It felt like a chore to even eat, talk, or move.

But, Wakatoshi would try.

-

Wakatoshi desperately wanted to tell his parents that it isn't his responsibility to make the choice on their relationship. But, if he did tell them, they'd question him and laugh.

-

There were times he'd get mad at his parents, but only in his head. He didn't have the courage to show it to their faces.

Like the time he wanted his mother to brush his hair, and she did. His father was also in the room. It was normal, she turned him around and checked his elbows. Wakatoshi didn't think anything of it, even when she checked his knees.

Then suddenly, she pulled up the shorts he was wearing. "You're not cutting yourself are you? You know, like all teens do." Wakatoshi stopped her with his hands, his shorts pulled up right under his cuts. He shook his head, trying to stay calm, _(although his heart was racing)._

His parents then started joking about teens being "emo" and cutting themselves.

Wakatoshi quickly left. 

He walked into his room, wanting to hit something, instead digging his nails into his hands.

-

Wakatoshi would sit in his room and watch anime, something his best friend from a long time ago would enjoy. He actually thought about his first love a lot.

He thought about the boy's personality, how he seemed to make Wakatoshi's day better just by seeing him smile. How Wakatoshi would look forward to seeing him everyday. Wakatoshi would laugh about how he gave such an obvious hint that he liked Tendou.

_Wakatoshi and Tendou sat in a corner of a classroom, playing checkers. "Do you have a crush on anyone?" The red-haired boy asked. Wakatoshi nodded. Tendou then said every girl's name in their class, Wakatoshi shook his head immediately after each one. "Is it a guy?" The other asked with a sly grin. Wakatoshi's ears turned red, he nodded his head. Tendou then named every boy in class, except for himself. Wakatoshi shook his head after each name. Tendou raised an eyebrow. "Is it someone from a different class?" "No." "Someone from a different school?" "No." Tendou hadn't questioned it. Wakatoshi felt a little disappointed that the other didn't get it, but felt better after he and Tendou accidentally touched hands while cleaning up._

Wakatoshi smiled, thinking about him makes him happy. He often wonders what could've been.

-

Wakatoshi laid awake, unable to sleep for hours.

Nothing was on his mind, nothing was bothering him ( _which was new_ ).

He couldn’t sleep, so might as well get up and do something.

Wakatoshi got up and walked to the bathroom. He began to get ready for the day.

-

Wakatoshi would sometimes turn into his old self, blaming his parents for everything.

Well, today he blamed them for his inability to make friends. 

They always told him to be cautious about new people, which is okay, but they never trusted his choices in friends.

They never allowed him to be alone with other people, or go somewhere alone at all.

They didn’t trust him to be alone. They still thought of him as the bratty, naive little boy he was years ago.

Wakatoshi thought of why he was a loner at school. He had no courage to go up to other people and talk to them, he didn’t have the guts to go up to them.

Wakatoshi, although his classmates were nice to him, was a complete and utter loner.

Wakatoshi blamed them for always making him suppress his feelings, blamed them for making him feel incompetent.

Wakatoshi knew that even if he didn’t blame his parents, he’d always place the blame on himself.

-

Sometimes his parents would go a week without fighting.

But, Wakatoshi wouldn’t believe it, for even a second.

He saw how everyday his father was on the verge of an outburst.

How his mother would start being overly happy as to not get his father mad.

Before, he would cry at night and wonder why his parents even fought. 

But now, he just wishes they would get it over with.

-

Wakatoshi was still very scared of his father. Although he could be a nice man, he was still scary.

His father would slam doors and think every action Wakatoshi did was “attitude”, it really wasn’t.

One time, he didn’t remember what he did, but his father was extremely mad at him.

They walked out of the store they were in and got in the car. His father slammed the car door, and Wakatoshi closed his normally.

Immediately his father whipped his head around to him, a threatening look on his face. “Stop giving me fucking attitude, I hate it when you do that!” He yelled into his ear.

Wakatoshi flinched and tears welled up in his eyes. He ended up crying.

His father apologized for getting mad.

Wakatoshi got mad at him in his head, he never apologized for being wrong. His father hated being wrong, always believing he was right.

He had an impulsive thought of opening the door of the running car. 

-

Wakatoshi’s life was shit and boringly average.

Most of the kids at his school had druggie parents or alcoholic parents, who were never there and that didn’t care about them.

Wakatoshi had the better life out of most of them, he still had both of his parents, he lived in a decent house, and he had a decent amount of money.

That was how low the bar had gotten. Having both of your parents, having a house without bugs, and a decent amount of money. It didn’t matter about anything else, as long as you had those things, your life was somewhat better than the other kid’s lives.

Wakatoshi, the person he was a couple of years ago, would’ve told himself he was being over dramatic.

He came to learn that a persons struggles aren’t a competition.

-

Wakatoshi often thought he was locked up in a cage.

His parents got mad at him when he didn’t eat when they told him too. 

They wouldn’t let him go outside, they wouldn’t let him do this or that without their permission.

He was told what to think, what to do, how to act. Even if he was in the “comfort” of his own home. 

He didn't have any friends to go to, and the nearest relative was hours away. So, he just shut up and tolerated it.

-

Wakatoshi could always tell the slightest change in someone's behavior. Could tell if they were mad, by the way they walked, by the way they put their cup down, by the way they talked. He could also tell when someone would get annoyed with him, their quick responses, as if they wanted the conversation to end already. It made Wakatoshi feel like shit.

He also wished he couldn't, wished he could just go about his daily life without knowing that, that stranger was annoyed with him for blocking a specific section at the store. He wished he didn't learn how to walk on eggshells around everyone.

-

Wakatoshi’s opinion on his parents relationship varied widely over the years.   
He went from desperately wanting them to stay together, to wanting them just to hurry up and get it over with.   
Now, he just wished his parents wouldn’t put the choice onto him.

He wanted them to make their own choice, about their own relationship.

-

Wakatoshi didn’t know if he ever will escape from this hellhole.

He loved his parents and wanted them to have a good life, but he just didn’t want to live with them anymore.

Wakatoshi would wait it out and see if the world outside of his own was worth it.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> This is based on one of my lowest points in my life aka the beginning, of course i'm fine now, but i just wanted to get it all out  
> Also, sorry that it's all over and fast-paced.  
> This is not how I see Ushijima's parents, so please don't take it the wrong way.
> 
> If there are any mistakes or problems, please leave a comment.  
> Thank you for reading <3
> 
> If anyone needs it, 800-273-8255, is the number for the suicide hotline in the united states, available in spanish and english.  
> suicidepreventionlifeline.org is the website.
> 
> If there is anyone who lives outside of the US, just click this  
> [International Suicide Hotlines](http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html)  
> Self-Harm Textline: 741741
> 
> [Different Hotlines](https://www.pleaselive.org/hotlines/)


End file.
